The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Anyone who has read my memoir will understand. Those who have not read my memoir should sure as hell bloody well buy it now so they will.
Notice in the above paragraph how I appropriately commanded you, the reader, by using excellent epithetical expletives [from hence on shortened to E-E-E!]? See? I told you I was a pro — and you will see more examples of my professionalism if you keep reading.
And as well I should be a pro because I studied the art form from the time I was around three years old until I was pregnant with my first child.
You are probably wondering how many years that entails. I will not tell you because, g*d d*mn, how nosy can you [effin'] be?
Growing up around violence, drugs, drink, and other wanton and evil lifestyle choices including the free and easy and quite imaginative use of expletives, you would have naturally assumed that I thought these things were all normal and that I proceeded to beat up people, get high and drunk, be a wild child, etcetera and so forth, and employ E-E-E!
You. Would. Be. Wrong.
I did not utter my first curse words until I was seventeen and to say those were uttered would be a gross understatement. I screamed them to the high heavens right smack dab into the face of my stepfather when I said, "Shutup, you [E-E-E!]" When he asked for clarification of what I just said, I repeated, "I said shut up you [E-E-E! E-E-E!] and furthermore..." Well, it's in the memoir, so buy it.
Everybody was so shocked that Angela cursed. This rocked their little world because Angela did not curse.
Then I did not use another curse word after that for many long years. You see, when I make up my mind not to do something, I don't do it. I have a funny story about when I was twelve and how I made up my mind not to pick my nose because I wanted to be a lady, but I'll spare you that story.
The many long years I did not use curse words ended a couple of years before The Big D — by which time the children were well along into adulthood — and has not abated until this day.
The use of E-E-E! now is so frequent that even as I spit it out I'm sometimes clapping a hand over my mouth and saying "Sorry for the French!" because the timing is just not judicious. Other times I revel in the freedom and young men who think I'm a timid schoolteacher are shocked. I've even had some say "But-but-but...you...you cursed!" like it was some sin or something.
Yet, here I am. Spitting Excellent Epithetical Expletives like a pro — and proud of it.
You are now asking, what makes one professional in the use of E-E-E!? You may check your professional usage of E-E-E! by this list here.
- You do not deploy E-E-E! casually.
- You mean E-E-E! every time you employ it.
- You do not apologize meaningfully for using E-E-E!
- You sometimes apologize but everybody knows you really don't mean it, you're just making the faint of heart not hate you as badly.
- Cups of coffee are never referred to as "[E-E-E!] coffee" unless it was really a bad cuppa and therefore deserved it.
- You find yourself in front of an audience, getting ready to sing a song you wrote, remembering that the mic is live and working really hard not to blurt out something inappropriate in case young ears happen by.
- You find yourself in front of an audience, getting ready to sing a song you wrote, remembering that the mic is live and working really hard not to blurt out something inappropriate in case young ears happen by and working really hard in coming up real fast with appropriate stand-ins for E-E-E! and everybody thinks you're being a comedienne and they laugh because they know what you really were going to say.
Numbers 6 and 7 may not apply to the general public, but you get the drift. You could be at work. Making a presentation to the Big Bosses. See? Or you may be frustrated because the person you're talking to is saying, "You write...books AND you write...songs?" like a book is something they've never bought and the writing of a song is something reserved for those blessed by the saints they pray to and they cannot believe you are so blessed.
You know what? I'm getting mad right now and my fingers sure are twitching to spit out some E-E-E! But I'm not going to...I know I promised I would...So sue me. I need the free column inches.
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