Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Why I can never be a stand-up comedienne.

by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

I went to a Comedy Open Mic last night. My first. Might be my last because one of the comedians...doing what comedians do...engaged the audience by asking the audience a question. Then he turned to me and specifically asked me. Here is that interchange.

"You had pets growing up?"

"Yes, sir."

"What were they?"

"Well, let me see...ummm...monkeys...snakes...baby lion...and ummmm..."

Now, I was getting ready to say, birds and bulls and cats and dogs, but the guy stopped me and said, "Whoa! You can't just say 'monkeys' and roll on by that and not explain."

Then he proceeded to ask some more questions, one of which was, "So, this monkey pet you had, did it die of old age?"

I shook my head and said, "No. It was a cocaine overdose."

Well, that brought the house down and was the running joke the rest of the night. Poor ol' Jocko the Macaque. Famous all these years later. The stories in my childhood are not things I can tell and make people laugh. For instance, before Jocko died of the drug overdose, he got out of his cage and into Ex-Lax. Ate the whole box. When we came home, monkey crap was everywhere and Jocko was laying on the top of the fridge with his head hanging down and moaning.

That should be funny. All the elements for comedy are there, right? Monkey. Crap smeared everywhere. There's a joke in there somewhere...except when I tell it isn't funny. It's just sad.

So you can see that my childhood is why I can never be a stand up comedienne, though I make a great second banana...as I proved so well last night.


SUPPORT YOUR PRINTED HUMORIST.
VISIT Consolidated Author Page AND BUY A BOOK!

Thursday, August 1, 2019

"Wham Bam Shang-A-Lang" by Silver


Democratic Candidate Wannabees Debates Last Night


At it again...all for you.


by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World

I was in the car when the debates came on the radio and so only got to hear some of it. But from what I heard can we all say together "Rewind and Repeat"? True, they are in a fight against each other to get their party's nomination and as such are preaching to their diverse choirs, but sheesh, even a preacher has to change up his* approach every now and then.



[*Use of the word 'his' in the marked sentence above is explained here just in case there are any Pussy-Hat Wearing Politically Correct Liberal Democrat RINO Socialist Fascist Commie All-Inclusive Social Justice Warriors reading this post:

Please note that the use of 'his' in the sentence referencing preachers is not used to exclude non-binary or the gender fluid or any human who claims belief in God yet ignores God's very specific creation of two sexes — genders — of male and female and that 'his' is only used to make the reading of the sentence that I wrote easy to get to the part that actually means something and is the point as opposed to muddying the waters with stupid stuff that only the #RadicallyShatbitCwazy find important.]

SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
AND BUY A BOOK!

Sunday, July 21, 2019

"I am Victim, watch me gloat."


At it again...all for you.


by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

Sung to the tune of
"I am Woman!" by Helen Reddy


I am Victim*, hear me whine.
I am mad all the time.
And I know how to cry loud and so forth,
Ooooh, history’s a bore and
lattes and puppies do mean more
Than unborn children waiting to be born.


Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, you've paid my price
But look how much I’ve gained
You can’t make me, no, no, do anything
I am whiny
(Whiny!)
I am susceptible
(Susceptible!)
I am Victim.
You try but will never break me
I pitch fits “You can’t make me!”
And I’ll sue you to get my own way.
I’ll call A-C-L-U.
Get injunctions out the wazoo
‘Cause “I am right, you are wrong,” I say.


Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, you've paid my price
But look how much I’ve gained
You can’t make me, no, no, do anything
I am whiny
(Whiny!)
I am susceptible
(Susceptible!)
I am Victim

I am Victim, watch me gloat
While I rip out your throat

As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand


Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, you've paid my price
But look how much I’ve gained
You can’t make me, no, no, do anything
I am whiny
(Whiny!)
I am susceptible
(Susceptible!)
I am Victim


I am Victim.
I am Susceptible
I am Whiny.
I am Victim.
I am Susceptible
I am Whiny.
I am VICTIM!


P-HWPCDLRSFC is Pussy-Hat Wearing Politically Correct Democrat Liberal RINO Socialist Fascist Commies


SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
AND BUY A BOOK!

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Who moved my cheese?


At it again...all for you.


by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

According to a news report from Rice University, journalism is no longer a path to stable employment.

Yes indeed, many in the business are asking "Who moved my cheese?" 

As your Citizen Journalist — and one who used to write freelance for newspapers and magazines — I have been telling folks for years that so-called serious journalism was artificially propped up. Manipulating viewer, reader, and circulation numbers kept advertisers' dollars flowing in and paying those fancy salaries of degreed journos who have mostly let down their readers with the spread of fake news.

So, Rice University agrees with me now. They are so frickin' far behind it isn't even funny. 

However, I can smell it coming: Like doctors, lawyers, engineers, and others who require being licensed to practice, wait and see if the P-HWPCLDRSFC* journalists seek to protect their FLOTSAM** turf by requiring anyone who writes to be "licensed. 


P-HWPCDLRSFC is Pussy-Hat Wearing Politically Correct Democrat Liberal RINO Socialist Fascist Commies
** FLOTSAM means For Liberal Opinion That is Serious and Actually Matters

SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
AND BUY A BOOK!

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Hey, Anderson Cooper: If I say Trump raped me, will you have me on your really big show to flog my book, too?


At it again...all for you.


by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

They don't even hide it anymore. E. Jean Carroll's allegation of rape against President Trump was followed closely on its heels by an interview on Anderson Cooper's show wherein she said that many people have rape fantasies and blew poor ol' Anderson's ever-loving liberal mind. Of course, she only said all that about Trump to get on FREE advertising for her new book. 

But I don't care. I just have one question for Anderson Cooper:

If I say Trump raped me, will you have me on your really big show to flog my book?



SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
AND BUY A BOOK!

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Money laundering, slush fund, or legitimate sales? You decide.


At it again...all for you.


by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 


In The Washington Times online edition of June 18, 2019, in a front page article (wrapping to A6) is an article entitled "Obama shuns unwritten rules for ex-presidents". 

Included were numbers very high up in the stratosphere for Barack's and Michelle's post-presidential paydays from writing books, giving speeches, and making deals with Netflix and Spotify for content creation. 

I've been in the book business for many years and there's one thing I know for certain: Books by presidents and presidents' wives do not make a profit. I know this because their books end up being sold at book remainder shows where they are measured by the pound and put in large cardboard boxes that you then see at stores selling groceries and pharmacy items, and on sale shelves at bookstores for a few dollars each.

Another little secret you may not know is that the term sold (as in retail sales) is often switched out for the other word distributed. This is to hype marketing efforts.  

For instance, it is said that Michelle Obama's book "Becoming" sold 10 million copies between November 13, 2018, and March 31, 2019. The sales figures were called remarkable. Does that figure include print, e-book, and audio book? It is not made clear. However, I have other issues with these numbers.

First, I do not believe that 10 million copies were printed of the 448-page book. That's a big book. It costs money to print, bind, store, fulfill, ship, manage returns, and do the bookkeeping. I would like to see that warehouse.   

But let's just say that 10 million were printed. Were they printed all at one time, or did they sell out and have to go back to press? I doubt it, otherwise that would've been mentioned because that's a big deal. So, does that mean they were sold to one reader at a time? Ten million is a lot of books, so let's do the math. 

Nov 13, 2018 to end of March 2019 = 138 days

That means each day 72,464 individuals had to purchase the book in order to say that 10 million copies sold. That is 1449 in each state each day. Were they driving to bookstores? Buying online? 

Therefore, let's say that if 10 million were printed, then 10 million may have been distributed to book stores, but I double guar-O-damn-tee-ya 10 million did not sell. 

So the question then comes up: How does any publishing company, including one as large as the Crown Publishing Group and Random House 2018 merger made, make any money on such a deal as this? They have huge overhead and are looking to cut costs and they go and make such a deal as this? What else is involved? Are they getting a fee for serving as her speaker bureau? 

I'm calling their numbers bogus. It has happened before that publishing houses, production companies, etc., are used as the middle-men in payoffs or curry favor between politicians and other countries or businesses. So, the current Obama deals going on: Are they money laundering, slush funds, or legitimate sales? You decide.

In any case, I say...

SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
AND BUY A BOOK!

Saturday, June 15, 2019

The machine is out of control.


At it again...all for you.


by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 


Comrade Lenin lay on his deathbed, one side of his mouth drooping, uncontrollable. The other side barely able to speak. But speak he did and said, "The machine is out of control."

Can you imagine working your whole life to make a great thing happen and realizing on your deathbed that the very things you put in place would be the undoing, the downfall, of your dream?

Note: I do not feel sorry for Lenin. Nor do I feel sorry for the entrenched P-HWPCLDRSFCs* when they view the uncontrollable upstarts invading their parties. Democrats and RINOs are surely saying the machine is out of control. The stable foundation of their careers is rocked. Their hard-worked-for retirement payoffs are threatened. They are the butts of jokes so truthful that, when denied by them, we point and say "The jokes just write themselves, folks."

The old saying has never been more true of them: If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. And thus the young upstarts walked through a hole of the old guard's making to steal the old guard's thunder. Not their vision, no, because there's never been a vision to steal. 

Do not be mistaken: Hate of an enemy is an emotion, not a vision. Emotion ebbs and flows and waxes and wanes. Emotion is a comet streaking across the sky, all flash and bang and spectacle but goes nowhere and does nothing except may destroy should it actually make contact.

But a vision. Wow. 

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore.
A vision is the constant North Star around which all rotates. Donald Trump has a vision. He rotates around it in a constant orbit, never losing sight of what must be done. 

Democrats and RINOs and others driven by pure emotion do not understand constant orbit or vision. They have as their rallying cry "Me! Me! Me!" Everything is right and nothing is wrong...except what they don't agree with. 

They embrace Evil, and destroy Good. They march in the streets to kill the unborn human child and march in those same streets to save a pregnant dog from euthanasia because "the dog is innocent".

In this country, the United States, the comets have been streaking across the sky for years with the support of outlets of FLOTSAM**. Thus, those who watch the many news shows and read the many newspapers and news magazines showing those comets are prone to believe those comets are the majority. 

They are not the majority. 

They may be loudest. They may be most garish. They may get a lot of attention. They may have their very own freak show. 

But contrary to what Ol' Hill and The Gang and the Young Upstarts think, they are not in the majority. The majority — folks like me and maybe you — quietly go about doing right and fighting Evil and being good. So quietly they may think we are powerless.

The Gang and the Young Upstarts are wrong. And we will find them laying on their deathbeds saying, "The machine is out of control." When the machine in uncontrollable, it dies. 





P-HWPCDLRSFC is Pussy-Hat Wearing Politically Correct Democrat Liberal RINO Socialist Fascist Commies
** FLOTSAM means For Liberal Opinion That is Serious and Actually Matters

SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
AND BUY A BOOK!

Friday, June 14, 2019

Make Your Camper's Week - Friday

by Kim D.

It's Friday - one more full day for your camper as Saturday is usually coming home day.  Enjoy!

 HEY BAILEY,

WOW! TIME DOES FLY – ONE MORE DAY UNTIL YOU COME HOME.  HAVE YOU SENT US A LETTER YET? I TOLD MOM TO CHECK THE MAIL. I’LL REMIND HER LATER TO CHECK ONE MORE TIME.

WELL THE COWIE WARS HAVE CONTINUED AND WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.  YESTERDAY, WE FOUGHT PRETTY HARD OVER IT AND IT’S PRETTY MUCH TRASH NOW.  

WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU NEED TO CALL CHICK FIL A AND ORDER TWO MORE PLEASE. HERE’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AGAIN BEFORE IT WAS RIPPED IN TWO

BUT – SURPRISE – LOOK AT THE COVER OF THIS NOTECARD – I HAVE REINFORCEMENTS NOW – MOM ADOPTED THREE MORE WESTIES! 

JUST KIDDING BEAU.

AHEM JACKIE, YOU WISH YOU DID HAVE HELP YA LOSER (HEH – HEH). 

ANYWAY, HOPE YOU HAD A FUN WEEK AT CAMP – HOPE ALL YOUR CABIN MATES & COUNSELORS WERE GREAT. 

SEE YOU TOMORROW – BEAU AND JACKIE.

JACKIE PS: SEE IF YOU CAN SNEAK HOME A BURGER OR TWO.

BEAU PPS: WHY DON’T THEY MAKE BOYKIN SPANIEL NOTE CARDS – THAT’S NOT FAIR.

JACKIE PPPS: IF NO BURGERS, HOT DOGS WORK JUST FINE 😊

Thursday, June 13, 2019

Make Your Camper's Week - Thursday

Kim D.

It's Thursday! 


Oh man! Mom said that I had to stay in my crate this morning until I wrote you a letter. Can you believe it? I sure as heck am not going to spend a lot of time on this one! Well, I have been prepared for just such an “emergency” with my fill-in-the-blank letter … so here goes. I’ll just put an “X” in front of my answers and I’ll be done in no time!

Dear Bailey,

Yesterday was a ___boring, ___exciting, ___wonderful, ___splendid, ___magnificent, _X__messed up day. Well, it all started when _ X __I woke up, ___I tripped on your Nintendo Switch, ___ Dad yelled at me, ___Mom yelled at me, ___the sun came up.

Well, anyways, after I woke up, I ___went to the bathroom, __ X _tripped on your Nintendo Switch and broke it, ___thought about chasing squirrels. Then I ___ ate, ___ chewed on my tail, ___ chased Jackie, __ X _ got the Chick Fil A Cowie.

It was then getting to be _ X __ naptime, ___ lunchtime, ___ midnight so I ___went to my crate, ­­­_ X __ jumped on the couch. When I got there, I found out that _ X __ Mom was already there, ___ no one else was there,

But things got better. Instead of napping, I ___ chased Jackie ___ tried to fix your Nintendo Switch, __ X _ chewed Cowie’s tail (du-uh!).  Anyways, later on, I ___ate lunch, ___ate a doggie snack, ___ napped in my crate, _ X __found $10 you dropped on the floor (I guess). With all that loot, I decided to spend it on  ___V bucks, ___ bones, _ X __ bacon.

You’re probably wondering about the weather. Well, yesterday it was ___sunny,     ___ X __ raining all day, ___cloudy, ___sort of cold, ___better than at your camp!
Well, that’s about it. When I think of you, I think about ___how much I miss you, ___how much I don’t like writing letters, _ X __how much fun you must be having.

Love,
___Your favorite dog, ___your very best dog, _ X __ Cowie Stealer.



Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Make Your Camper's Week - Wednesday

Kim D.

It's Hump Day now - I know my son will be excited to receive his next letter - Enjoy Wednesday.



HEY BAILEY,

OK, BEAU SERIOUSLY NEEDS HELP.  HE’S OBSESSED WITH MY COW. YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME . . .


. . . EVERYTIME HE SEES ME PLAYING WITH COWIE, HE TAKES IT AWAY.
SINCE THIS IS CRITICAL, I LOOKED UP CHICK FIL A’S NUMBER –



BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE MOM’S CELL PHONE.  CAN YOU HELP A PUP OUT WHEN YOU GET HOME? I NEED ANOTHER COW WITH EARS!


HAVE YOU WRITTEN ME A LETTER YET – (LOOK AT THE PICTURE ON THE NOTECARD AND PICTURE ME SAYIN DIS.)


MUCH LUV,

JACKIE