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| Living life tempo Snapchato |
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
Dear Snap Inc.,
I
want to thank you for bringing your app to market. It is my wish that your
company will remain, or in the case of not yet being such will become,
financially stable and solvent and be in a business long time. Here is why.
Your
company is saving me a lot of money in doctors’ bills and plastic surgery
recovery downtime.[2]
As
I have so famously written about in the past, my dear friend and fellow crime
writer novelist Linda Sands introduced me to your app[3]
when she said, “Hey, open up your Snapchat and let’s have some fun” and I went “What
in the hell is Snapchat?” and she went “Woman! What do you mean ‘what in the
hell is Snapchat?’” and I went “What I mean is ‘What…in…the…HAYLE…is…Snapchat?’” and Linda went “You
really don’t know?” and I went “Linda, will you just [bad word here that ends
in ing]
show me for God’s sake” and Linda went “Of course, darling, all yousehaddado
wuzzask” and Linda did show Angela and Angela downloaded the app right there
and then and then Linda and Angela spent the next four hours in the absolute
best therapy session ever because we did nothing but laugh and laugh and laugh[4]. Here’s
why we did such.
First, Linda and I, both being savvy self-promoters[5], are
always taking selfies as we go out and about in our mobile lives while promoting
our various creative endeavors and events and so forth. Now, Linda and I know
how to use an iPhone camera better than just about anybody when it comes to
taking pictures of our own faces and we do a damn good job of it. Though I will
say it now in print that Linda is like a lot of folks when it comes to
taking pictures of others, that is, she is not so good, as opposed to me that
takes awesome pictures of everything and everybody because my compositional eye
is just that good.[6]
Anyway, there we were at Killer Nashville and
staying up until three in the damn morning playing with your awesome app and
giggling and laughing at the filters and the voice changer thing which, by the
way, is simply fab. Oh, the comedy routines involving the publishing world that
Linda and I came up with on that night[7]
were beyond amazing[8].
They were so full of truths and we looked so freakin’ good that we have not
shared them with the world lest the world get depressed at just how bad the book
business is and how awesome we are, and a rash of suicides breaks out.
Do you see how caring we are, Snap Inc.? You agree!
That is awesome.
However, to get back to this letter to your company.
We both thank you for first focusing your attention on the Youth Market. The
person who said “Hey, let’s put some filters on an app that will even out skin
tone, get rid of bags under the eyes, add perfect coloring to the cheeks, make
the lighting flattering to the nth
degree, and add fake eyelashes and make the pupils dark and sparkly and large
for all the young female people out there who do not need these types of
helpers but to whom we can serve ads and upsell to at the same time” was a
total genius.
I say this with all seriousness because for some
time I had been seeing these pictures on my social media feed that showed all
these parents sharing pictures of their daughters with captions like My beautiful and caring daughter at the soup
kitchen and My beautiful and highly
intelligent daughter on a STEM track on her first day at high school and I
thought, “Crap fire. These girls are absolutely drop dead gorgeous and
stunning. Look at that skin! Look at those heart-shaped faces! Look at that: NO
BAGS under the eyes.” I was fairly blown away at the sophistication of these
young beauties and wondered why it had taken me all of mumble-bumble years to get only half that gorgeous.
Then I got Snapchat and I began to recognize in
those pictures of friends’ daughters the use of the app and — this is very
important — the parents didn’t know their precious beauties were using it. The
parents thought this was what their daughters really looked like and then the mothers
went out and had surgeries to recapture their youth! Holy cow. It was a
stampede, I tell you.
However, my dear friend and fellow crime writer
novelist Linda Sands and myself use the app responsibly. For instance, we
always hold back from the public our best Snapchat sessions because that is the
kind thing to do. Even without Snapchat we are unbelievably awesome and cause
many people to be extremely intimated by our extreme good looks and simply
marvelous personalities. When we walk down the street together, traffic stops,
people stare and, it never fails, a small child will eventually say ‘Hey, what
is everybody staring at? Mommy? Daddy? Why is everybody so mesmerized and
stupefied?’”[9]
Then the child spots us and they can’t speak either.
Yes, it is true, men want to be with us,[10] some
men want to be us[11], and
women want to hate us but have a hard time doing it because we are just so
friendly and kind and helpful.[12] So,
Snap Inc., while we would love to use your app more often in a public setting,
we feel a certain responsibility [to the mental well-being of your other users,
and to those on our Bacefook and other social media feeds] and do not overuse
your app.
But still, the amount of money you have saved me in
photographer fees[13]
and surgery[14]
is awesome and I thank you.
Sincerely,
Angela K. Durden and on behalf of Linda Sands,
Durden’s dear friend and fellow crime novelist, two grateful women who are
living life tempo Snapchato
[1]
This is a bastardized musical term taken from tempo rubato meaning “free in the use of stolen time.”
[2]
For the reader and Snap Inc: The author has never had any surgery involving her
face or paid doctors for their opinion on how to employ plastic surgery, nor
does she plan to do so. This sentence is merely here to get the point across
that should the author have ever even thought of doing something stupid like
that, with the Snapchat app from Snap Inc. she would not have had to do so.
[3]
The author admits that when it comes to fun tech, Linda casts massive shade.
[4]
Massive worldwide studies have shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that laughter
is the best medicine. Which, as a polymath who puts together disparate thoughts
and ideas, the author posits the theory that the rise of seriously caring
P-HWPCLDRSFCs who do not understand humor and think all laughter should be
derisive in nature and not joyous comes the rise of all disease. So, buying
this book is good for your health. Help your friends with their health without
the use of nagging by buying them a copy of this book and other humor books by
the author.
[5] If
we could only find out how to promote our books, we would be over the moon.
[6]
The author reminds the reader that stating a fact is not bragging. Further,
please be advised that the author also knows when not to use a photo and
deletes those that did not turn out well as opposed to others who think every
picture they take is just freakin’ usable when they are not.
[7] And
subsequent occasions when Medicinal Margaritas were involved.
[8]
The voice changer thingy was as addictive as meth. Not that the author has ever
used meth because she has not, but she reads studies about it, which is why she
could equate coming off the use of Snap Inc.’s Snapchat Voice Changer thingy as
coming down from a meth binge.
[9]
This is totally made up. Not really. It’s true.
[10]
Those males who want to be with us recognize they would die and are happy to go
home to their wives. So, in a way, these two crime writer novelists save marriages.
They know you thank them.
[11]
We have heard from two men in particular who joined together to perform in drag
as “Angela and Linda: The Best Amazon Dot Com Crime Novelists.” The show is
HUGE in Europe and Asia.
[12]
The author wants to remind certain P-HWPCLDRSFC readers that this is a book of
humor and going over the top is a requirement of the genre so rein in your PC
outrage and just laugh with joy. You do know how to laugh with joy, don’t
you?
[13]
This is true.
[14]
This has been explained earlier. Are you reading the footnotes? Excellent.
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