"The King of Fuh" by Brute Force

They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha-Haaaa!

What I've Learned from Jazz Jams

by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World

Citizen Journalist.  Novelist. Author of other stuff. 

Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

Excerpt from upcoming book "Conversations in Hyperreality and Other Thoughts Umberto Eco and Dave Barry Never Had".

Click this LINK to download free PDF for your personal enjoyment.

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Living life tempo Snapchato[1]

Living life tempo Snapchato

by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World

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Dear Snap Inc.,

I want to thank you for bringing your app to market. It is my wish that your company will remain, or in the case of not yet being such will become, financially stable and solvent and be in a business long time. Here is why.

Your company is saving me a lot of money in doctors’ bills and plastic surgery recovery downtime.[2]

As I have so famously written about in the past, my dear friend and fellow crime writer novelist Linda Sands introduced me to your app[3] when she said, “Hey, open up your Snapchat and let’s have some fun” and I went “What in the hell is Snapchat?” and she went “Woman! What do you mean ‘what in the hell is Snapchat?’” and I went “What I mean is ‘What…in…the…HAYLE…is…Snapchat?’” and Linda went “You really don’t know?” and I went “Linda, will you just [bad word here that ends in ing] show me for God’s sake” and Linda went “Of course, darling, all yousehaddado wuzzask” and Linda did show Angela and Angela downloaded the app right there and then and then Linda and Angela spent the next four hours in the absolute best therapy session ever because we did nothing but laugh and laugh and laugh[4]. Here’s why we did such.

First, Linda and I, both being savvy self-promoters[5], are always taking selfies as we go out and about in our mobile lives while promoting our various creative endeavors and events and so forth. Now, Linda and I know how to use an iPhone camera better than just about anybody when it comes to taking pictures of our own faces and we do a damn good job of it. Though I will say it now in print that Linda is like a lot of folks when it comes to taking pictures of others, that is, she is not so good, as opposed to me that takes awesome pictures of everything and everybody because my compositional eye is just that good.[6]

Anyway, there we were at Killer Nashville and staying up until three in the damn morning playing with your awesome app and giggling and laughing at the filters and the voice changer thing which, by the way, is simply fab. Oh, the comedy routines involving the publishing world that Linda and I came up with on that night[7] were beyond amazing[8]. They were so full of truths and we looked so freakin’ good that we have not shared them with the world lest the world get depressed at just how bad the book business is and how awesome we are, and a rash of suicides breaks out.

Do you see how caring we are, Snap Inc.? You agree! That is awesome.

However, to get back to this letter to your company. We both thank you for first focusing your attention on the Youth Market. The person who said “Hey, let’s put some filters on an app that will even out skin tone, get rid of bags under the eyes, add perfect coloring to the cheeks, make the lighting flattering to the nth degree, and add fake eyelashes and make the pupils dark and sparkly and large for all the young female people out there who do not need these types of helpers but to whom we can serve ads and upsell to at the same time” was a total genius.

I say this with all seriousness because for some time I had been seeing these pictures on my social media feed that showed all these parents sharing pictures of their daughters with captions like My beautiful and caring daughter at the soup kitchen and My beautiful and highly intelligent daughter on a STEM track on her first day at high school and I thought, “Crap fire. These girls are absolutely drop dead gorgeous and stunning. Look at that skin! Look at those heart-shaped faces! Look at that: NO BAGS under the eyes.” I was fairly blown away at the sophistication of these young beauties and wondered why it had taken me all of mumble-bumble years to get only half that gorgeous.

Then I got Snapchat and I began to recognize in those pictures of friends’ daughters the use of the app and — this is very important — the parents didn’t know their precious beauties were using it. The parents thought this was what their daughters really looked like and then the mothers went out and had surgeries to recapture their youth! Holy cow. It was a stampede, I tell you.

However, my dear friend and fellow crime writer novelist Linda Sands and myself use the app responsibly. For instance, we always hold back from the public our best Snapchat sessions because that is the kind thing to do. Even without Snapchat we are unbelievably awesome and cause many people to be extremely intimated by our extreme good looks and simply marvelous personalities. When we walk down the street together, traffic stops, people stare and, it never fails, a small child will eventually say ‘Hey, what is everybody staring at? Mommy? Daddy? Why is everybody so mesmerized and stupefied?’”[9] Then the child spots us and they can’t speak either.

Yes, it is true, men want to be with us,[10] some men want to be us[11], and women want to hate us but have a hard time doing it because we are just so friendly and kind and helpful.[12] So, Snap Inc., while we would love to use your app more often in a public setting, we feel a certain responsibility [to the mental well-being of your other users, and to those on our Bacefook and other social media feeds] and do not overuse your app.

But still, the amount of money you have saved me in photographer fees[13] and surgery[14] is awesome and I thank you.

Sincerely,

Angela K. Durden and on behalf of Linda Sands, Durden’s dear friend and fellow crime novelist, two grateful women who are living life tempo Snapchato

---

[1] This is a bastardized musical term taken from tempo rubato meaning “free in the use of stolen time.”

[2] For the reader and Snap Inc: The author has never had any surgery involving her face or paid doctors for their opinion on how to employ plastic surgery, nor does she plan to do so. This sentence is merely here to get the point across that should the author have ever even thought of doing something stupid like that, with the Snapchat app from Snap Inc. she would not have had to do so.

[3] The author admits that when it comes to fun tech, Linda casts massive shade.

[4] Massive worldwide studies have shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that laughter is the best medicine. Which, as a polymath who puts together disparate thoughts and ideas, the author posits the theory that the rise of seriously caring P-HWPCLDRSFCs who do not understand humor and think all laughter should be derisive in nature and not joyous comes the rise of all disease. So, buying this book is good for your health. Help your friends with their health without the use of nagging by buying them a copy of this book and other humor books by the author.

[5] If we could only find out how to promote our books, we would be over the moon.

[6] The author reminds the reader that stating a fact is not bragging. Further, please be advised that the author also knows when not to use a photo and deletes those that did not turn out well as opposed to others who think every picture they take is just freakin’ usable when they are not.

[7] And subsequent occasions when Medicinal Margaritas were involved.

[8] The voice changer thingy was as addictive as meth. Not that the author has ever used meth because she has not, but she reads studies about it, which is why she could equate coming off the use of Snap Inc.’s Snapchat Voice Changer thingy as coming down from a meth binge.

[9] This is totally made up. Not really. It’s true.

[10] Those males who want to be with us recognize they would die and are happy to go home to their wives. So, in a way, these two crime writer novelists save marriages. They know you thank them.

[11] We have heard from two men in particular who joined together to perform in drag as “Angela and Linda: The Best Amazon Dot Com Crime Novelists.” The show is HUGE in Europe and Asia.

[12] The author wants to remind certain P-HWPCLDRSFC readers that this is a book of humor and going over the top is a requirement of the genre so rein in your PC outrage and just laugh with joy. You do know how to laugh with joy, don’t you? 

[13] This is true.

[14] This has been explained earlier. Are you reading the footnotes? Excellent.

Tit-for-Tat: And Angela is again called insane.

At it again...all for you.

by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World

Citizen Journalist.  Novelist. Author of other stuff. 

Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

You are here reading a reply I made to a woman on Facebook...

I know! You are already yawning, but do you see what I, your Citizen Journalist, am willing to do for you? I am willing to go into the enemy's camp and try to turn them from the forces of darkness that many of them believe to be the light of salvation, and in so doing read their thoughts, deduce their intent, and find out their evil plans. 

Anyway, this woman tried to say Trump's mere talking about the caravan was so that nobody would pay attention to other crimes committed by a few Americans during that same period of time.

You remember it? The one that conveniently came up through Central America and Mexico and attempted entry through illegal and violent means at exactly the time a big US election cycle was in play? Yes, you do remember it. 

Suffice it to say my logical reply simply unleashed a torrent of links to CNN, WaPo, PBS, and then one to Fox, each with headlines that seemed to support her argument. Her name was Diane Jonson and she finally asked the question: So you say Trump did all this talking about the caravan because of the media? My answer follows:

Diane Jonson, that's what I said. It is the media's fault. Now, let's just ask ourselves a few quick questions: Why was this caravan formed in the first place? Why was it formed when it was? Who funded it? Why is Mexico not happy with the caravan?

Why is it so bad to talk truth about the caravan's genesis, support, and intent? Why are so many (I don't know but you included maybe?) demonizing any who stand up against attacks on freedom?

Why did so many news outlets stage fake scenes, photograph them, and then report them as real news?

One hint: There is a huge push by what is being called the Deep State to deprive all citizens of freedom and they will use whatever distractions they can and tell whatever lies they will to get those citizens to support them...and most citizens don't even know it.

Why don't they know it? Because they do not understand the nature of evil. Why don't they understand the nature of evil? Because they are good at heart and cannot even conceptualize it.

Evil depends on good people being fooled.

Don't be a good people that gets fooled. What you are seeing is merely the light being shed upon a deeply insinuating push for power that started back in the 1960s.

So the question then comes up: Why are we seeing it now? Because Trump is not playing their evil games for unlimited power.

Trump is trying to limit the power of government to the benefit of citizens in this country. Why is there such a pushback against this limiting?

As a human, Trump has flaws. Who does not? We could do a tit-for-tat listing of flaws on all sides all day long, but it does not change the fact that freedom is under attack, not only here in the US, but around the world.

So, to get back to the caravan: If those people chose an illegal method to gain entry to your home and take your stuff, would you open the door and welcome them in?

I think not.

Instead, you would doing all in your power to protect your children, your home, and your community by dialing 911 and maybe, just maybe, taking a baseball bat to them when they come in.

So, say what you want. Believe what you want. But I guarantee, unless you're a pushover wimp (and somehow I don't think you are), you'll be standing up for what is yours...just like Trump is doing for the country.

I then hit ENTER to post my reply. 

Almost immediately came back the comment from our dear Diane, "Oh! I get it now. You are insane. Take care and enjoy Lala land."

Our dear Diane only knows tit-for-tat comments meant to burn, insult, and shut down reasoned discourse.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we never let our guards down when freedom is on the table. Make no mistake: Freedom is on the table here in the US. It has been taken off the table around the world. Citizens in other countries look to the US as that last place freedom is valued.

Let the bullies have their little fun trading tits-for-tats. But, you?

Don't get sidetracked into trading insults. 

Don't call names. 

Be polite but be clear. 

Stick to facts and stand strong. 

Stare unflinchingly at Evil and its cousins Stupid and Gullible until they blink. 

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Trump refuses child support for Martian Baby Mama!

At it again...all for you.

by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World

Citizen Journalist.  Novelist. Author of other stuff. 

Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

FLOTSAM is back at it again. This time, it was the Associated Press when they led a story on Bush 41's funeral with this paragraph (bold italics added): 

"Wednesday's funeral service for former President George H.W. Bush served as a rare reunion of the remaining members of the presidents club, but the front-row banter among Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter and their spouses came to an uneasy end when President Donald Trump and wife Melania arrived."

Banter? Banter is being witty or teasing, acting playfully and teasingly, to delude or trick with jest, to ridicule, to coax into action by argument or haggling...Okay, you know what? The AP used the right word but why would they stop it when Trump got there since they were all "bantering" about him anyway?

Hang on. Duh! You're right. They didn't want Trump to hear because they knew "The Hammer" could put the beatdown on them. But that doesn't matter because Trump seemed genuinely moved by the proceedings.

But this is not about the funeral. This is about the Associated Press — THE AP, for God's sake — and them turning into a tabloid gossip rag. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing headlines reading "TRUMP REFUSES CHILD SUPPORT FOR MARTIAN BABY MAMA!" and "TRUMP PAYS OFF BABY MAMA OF MARTIAN LOVE CHILD!"

I'm not kidding. You mark my words. It will happen. But the AP? The AP is doing this? There was a time when I looked for stories by the AP because I knew these were closest to the truth of what was happening. Reporting, yes! Opining, not allowed!

Oh, the agony of one's respect being flushed down the toilet.

Still, I do have to chuckle just a bit. The funeral was all about George H. W. Bush, number 41 as he was often called, and yet every frickin' media outlet out there led their stories with Trump. Trump gets frozen by Michelle! Trump ignores Hillary. Trump is... Trump is not... Trump could... Trump could not...

And all Trump had to do was sit there and say nothing. It don't get no better than that.

This is a YUGE statement I'm getting ready to make here so pay attention.

#41 and #43 were both hated by the media. As was Reagan. And now Trump. So, after listening to the entire service on December 5, 2018, I have concluded it was a coded message to Trump that said, "Ignore or use the media and the politicians who hate the country. But in no instance back down. Stay the course. You're doing good."

I'm sure some folks wearing pussy hats and "I'm With Her" t-shirts will disagree. I don't care.

* FLOTSAM means For Liberal Opinion That is Serious and Actually Matters

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A comment on George H. W. Bush's Funeral today.

"Oh, I get it quite well." An answer to a bully...or a lost soul. You decide.

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MY ACTUAL REPLY HERE IN TEXT IN CASE THE PERSON DECIDES TO DELETE THE COMMENT FROM THEIR FEED:





Actually, Susan, I get it quite well. Women fought to be allowed into everything male including clubs. They pushed and pushed to "be equal", which concept of and by itself is a false narrative because there is no such thing as "equality" between men and women and to seek it is a fool's errand. You see, real women have always had the power they needed. Surely you've heard of the saying: The power behind the throne is the queen; or Behind every successful man is a woman kicking his butt and pointing the way.

Nevertheless, by force of law and by using politically correct punishment techniques — example: screaming when a man holds a door for them, claiming sexual abuse when it was nothing but flirting — shortsighted women have successfully succeeded in making wider and deeper the divide between the sexes. They've demonized all men, bar none.

Further, these women who use PC Punishments and force of law to seek their own agenda, have shown their utter hatred for women who disagree with them.

So, yes, Susan, I get it quite well and am tired of the bully tactics these type of women use to gain power. And make no mistake about it, real power is not what they are after. They are after the power of the dictator.

You think I jest? Dictators destroy when they hear opposing opinions. RadFems and the pro abortion crowd are haters focusing on all things negative.

A reply to a friend on Facebook about belief in God.

by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World

Citizen Journalist.  Novelist. Author of other stuff. 

Business writer.  Songwriter.  Protecting creator's copyrights. 

I made a post on Facebook wherein I said, "My Heavenly Father self-identified as male. I'm good with that." 

And comments followed. Like from this fellow here.


After some back and forth, that you can see if you click the link, I then replied back to him this:

James, in my forty-plus years of studying and discussing it, I've learned the Bible is a book that tells us a few things. One: Why we are here. Two: How we got here. Three: Why the world is in the state it is in. Four: Who our real enemy is, why he is the enemy, and how to identify that one as well as his followers. Five: The history of God's dealings with mankind as it relates to the outworking of His purpose. And six: Has a lot of stories that relate the struggle for keeping faith, the troubles from loss of faith, and from which we can gain meaning and guidance for our own lives.

The Bible has been manipulated for political purposes (which is why the quickly and badly interpreted King James version came to be). It has been interpreted through the prisms of social mores of agendized groups. Subsets of believers have killed other subsets of believers because of doctrinal beliefs and other power grabs (think WWI and WWII: Christian nations fighting other Christian nations).

Parts of the Bible have been falsely changed to represent specific doctrinal beliefs (think the doctrine of the Holy Trinity). It has been rubbed as a talisman and wielded as a sword. It has been outlawed and burned. It has been sacrificed on the altar of the scientific opinion du jour. It has been ignored and made fun of.

However, with all that, it is the most widely published and distributed book of all time, bar none. With much research and comparing of current texts with ancient scrolls as they are unearthed, we find that, by and large, the Bible we have today has remained intact.

People have given their lives to protect the right to own a copy and to read it. They fight in courts around the world for the right to speak with others of it and God and their beliefs. Christians are still being tortured and killed — just in Nigeria alone in 2018 many thousands of Christians, including children, have been burned alive, chopped to bits, raped, beheaded, and otherwise killed — for refusing to give up their belief in the truths it contains.

When we humans read, we read through the lens of our own set of limited knowledge. Those who believe the Bible (example, when it says "the earth hangs upon nothing") over the science of the day (example: the earth is flat and sits on the shoulders of Atlas who is standing on the back of a turtle, etc.,), yes, those who believe may be laughed at, but we believe Almighty God because we trust He will not lie to us, and we wait for the information. And sure enough, when scientific ability caught up with the Bible, what did we find? We found the earth hangs upon nothing...just like our Heavenly Father said.

The example of the earth hanging upon nothing is just one way we know the Bible was inspired of God. At the time of that writing humans had no way of going into space and seeing the planet from far away, so we know they did not write that from their personal experience. Therefore, true faith, laughed at and derided and held in contempt, is trusted because of "the assured expectation of realities not yet beheld" based on the promises God has made and the promises He has kept.

Everybody else can believe as they like, but as for me, I will never apologize for believing in a known power higher than myself. Not for me the faceless higher power many today call The Universe.

So, to get back around to my original post above that started this whole chain: If my Heavenly Father calls himself a male, then I will believe Him even if it is politically or socially inconvenient to do so. And if His meaning of "father" is one unknown to me and He cares to expand upon it and make it clear at a later date, then I'm good with that.