 |
| At it again...all for you. |
by Angela K. Durden
The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
John and Lorena Bobbitt would say this is a misleading
headline. I prefer to say it does not address all instances of penile usage,
abuse, or assault.
If you do not know who these people are, let me say
they made worldwide headlines after John woke to find Lorena waving his
disattached weenie as she held it aloft in one hand and a sharp knife in the
other. One can infer she was gloating. As John was not in a position to give
chase[1],
Lorena ran out the door, jumped in her car, threw it in gear, and hauled ass…I
mean, hauled penis…down the highway in a fit of jubilant exultation that she
would not have to touch that man’s dick
ever again. When she realized she was still holding it, she threw it out the
window.
At some point she called 911 and that’s when the story
went viral before the Internet was as big a deal as it is now and before viral
stories were a thing that could be planned using Google AdWords[2].
I won’t even go into how his severed man part was found and reattached in a
nine-plus hour surgery.
Nor shall I mention that his reattached part never
regained full sensation or that to pay his medical bills John started and
failed with a band called The Severed Parts or that he was a featured actor in
a few adult films or that he ended up beating up a girlfriend or that he appeared
on the World Wrestling Federation‘s Monday Night Raw television
program or that he worked as a bartender, limo driver, mover, pizza delivery
driver, tow-truck operator, thief, and wife beater or that he served at a
wedding chapel as a minister of a Universal Life Church or that in 2014 he was
severely injured when he broke his neck because none of that matters.
What matters is that this headline is accurate as written because I am discussing another instance altogether. Here’s what happened.
There was this man, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who was
accused by a professor, Christine Blasey Ford, of trying to rape her. The
falseness of her accusation aside, “We Believe Her” became the slogan of the
#MeToo day. What was interesting is that in one news report a screaming pussy-hat
wearing person[3] was
holding a sign that said
IT IS ILLEGAL TO WAVE A WEENIE IN THE FACE.
At which point, in public, flew out of my mouth the
words, “One cannot wave a weenie, one can only waggle it.”
All the men around me blushed. All the women nodded at
my sage wisdom. We women know weenies cannot wave. Weenies can say “Heybebbiewhuzzzyername?”
Weenies can take the Dance Floor Dick Test. But they cannot wave when they are
attached. It just cannot happen. Look, if a weenie is waving, it is of no use
to a woman. Obviously, it is only Real Women who know this. But you see how
these pussy-hat wearing people just cannot deal with real facts.
They wouldn’t
know a real fact if it waved in their faces.
[1] It
is doubtful he even spoke, but if he did he would’ve said, “Woman! Give it
back!”
[2]
Unless you are blacklisted by Google.
[3]
Future archeologists and anthropologists will tell you I am not lying. While
the pussy-hat wearing person looked female, what with the fuzzy lines at the
time around gender and some folks passing as everything but what they were born
as, the author cannot say for certain this person was female though she dang
sure looked like it in the face. The sign covered the chest area and even if it
hadn’t and bumps could be seen, who was to say those bumps were natural-made,
surgical enhancement, or it was a guy who liked to smoke his wacky weed.
SUPPORT YOUR CITIZEN JOURNALIST.
VISIT Consolidated Author Page
AND BUY A BOOK!
No comments:
Post a Comment