Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Out of sight. Out of mind. Or, going shopping in my closet.

Ears, nose, glasses, and makeup
courtesy of Snapchat.
Hair and oversized wife-beater
t-shirt courtesy of me.
Earrings supplied by
kiosk at mall.
by Angela K. Durden

Out of sight. Out of mind.

That phrase pretty much sums up my entire life's journey with clothes. You see, I have a taste in clothes that can sometimes border on the interesting, but it is always good taste. Folks are always saying to me, "Angela, I've never seen anybody put together an outfit like you do."

Now, if that isn't high praise for my ability to put together outfits, well then, I don't know what it is.

Hang on. My producer is telling me we have a call-in reader. Yes...Go ahead, call-in reader. I'm sorry, could you, uhhh, say that a little louder?...Because I didn't quite catch what you...

What do you mean "that's not exactly a compliment"? What else could...And what's that supposed to mean?...Crazy Aunt Ang...

Don't tell me to calm...You know what?...Oh, yeah!?!...Well, you can just...What do you mean you don't like my outfit?...

I'm gonna igno...I...I said...I said I'm gonna ignore you now because the readers do not want to listen to you insult me...

No, they don't, so you can just hie yourself...

I did not tell you to get high...I did not...I did not. I said you could hie yourself...Well, that just shows how much you know...Look it up yourself...Same to you, buddy!

Sheesh. Honestly. Sometimes these call-in readers just...anyway...

Back to my story which, as we all know, is more important than that other opinion. So, as I was saying. A Macy's near me closed a couple of years ago. During the sale to get rid of stock, I found a red jacket that was exactly what I'd been looking for. Made by Calvin Klein, normal price would have hurt the feelings of my wallet, but on sale, my wallet did a little happy dance.

I took it home. Off came the tags. And in the closet it was hung. And here is where I went, "Oh. I forgot about that jacket. And, oh my goodness. Whoa. I could wear that one next winter, too."

Door closed and I promptly forgot about them all, resorting to my go-to fave hanging in plain sight.

Well, as I have started to do more live performing, and performers are pretty much expected to dress interestingly (so there, you little creepy call-in reader), I needed something different for a last minute thing I was going to do.

But I didn't want to wear my everyday stuff. Where, oh, where could I find something fast?

DING! DING! DING! The closet.

And there was that red jacket which, when paired with a funky pair of customized jeans, black leather shoes, and a S&W Bodyguard on my hip...

JUST KIDDING. No gun on my hip. 

I'm just messing with any P-HWPCDLRSFC* who might have happened to stumble upon this article since it is about shopping and the picture is from a Snapchat filter.

Anyway, when all that, sans weapon, walked into the event, well, all the women were like, "Oh. My. God. I. HATE. Her. Where DID she get that jacket?" And all the men...well, it wouldn't matter what I wore because men don't need clothes on a woman to appreciate her awesomeness. 

Oh, dear readers. Here's that pesky call-in reader again. You know what? I'm going to take that call. Hello? Reader? You're on the page...

Hello? Reader? Must be a bad — Here we go. Yes?...Yes, I am awesome...No, it is not just me saying it...In fact, it is total random strangers...random...strangers, yes...When? The last time was just the other day when I was in Target...

Of course I shop at Target...Of course I use their bathrooms...Look. I live in the South. Nobody is going to go into a ladies room who don't belong there...Denying bathroom rights? Now you're just being silly...

Who said I was awesome? The checkout boy...No. There is nothing wrong with using the word boy...He was white, you idiot! So young, peach fuzz was on his chin. How can that be racist?...I am going to hang up on you because it is clear you are a complete idiot...So sue me.

Geez, Louise.

Dear readers. I apologize for that interruption. We're coming up on a hard break here, so let me just say this:

Go shopping in your closet. You'd be amazed how many things you find in your color and size.

And now a word from our sponsor. 

P-HWPCDLRSFC is Pussy-Hat Wearing Politically Correct Democrat Liberal RINO Socialist Fascist Commies

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