The Most Brilliant Woman in the World
What does an incense factory in India have in common with Trump Tower, Hillary Clinton's compound, Rome's English College, a housing complex in Alexandria, everywhere in Los Angeles, Purgatory Mountain, and each Christmas season since the beginning of the installation of electric bulbs on dry, fuel-filled trees?
That's right. They each get headlines and stand-up reporters that scream —
FIRE BREAKS OUT!
I did a news search on Goo-Goo-oogle on that phrase. It is used so much that 8,500,000 results were returned. Of course, the search engine, being ever helpful, limited what I saw to everything that was not repeated or were similar. Specifically, when I got to the end of the 32 pages of results they showed, I got this message —
So I clicked "repeat the search with omitted results included." More of the same. Two conclusions here. One, so many people sharing the same news that is it clear why MSM is such an inbred group. And two, this search algorithm is one that actually works for the good of mankind.
All this got me to thinking about the use of language and how we could better describe the activities of fires. Just once I would like to hear another way fire got there or, once arrived, what it did, you know? Right? Like these headlines instead:
Fire sneaks in and says boo!
Fire Chief says, "Oh, that fire. Such a prankster. Scared the family just a little bit, but no harm, no foul, right?"
Fire forced itself through the door.
Family says, "We thought it was a serial killer rambling around the attic. Imagine how happy we were to find it was only fire."
Fire flared fitfully.
Living next door to the house that fire tried to burn down, Mr. Brown told this reporter, "The thing is, we weren't exactly sure what the fire was going to do. See, we watched it as it tried to make up its mind. First it sort of flickered a bit, but then we didn't see it. Then it jumped up like a uhhh...ummmm...you know like a pole vaulter. Pretty good form, if I do say so myself. But then it sort of hunkered down and went away. Me and the Mizzuzz sure was surprised when it broke a window and jumped out."
Reluctant flames happily surrender to water.
"This fire was reluctant. We wish all fires surrendered that easily," said first responders. "I mean, we thought this was going to be a five-alarmer, but we got here and threw a little water on it and it gave up just like that!"
See, better use of language sure would sell more newspapers.
No comments:
Post a Comment