Social media is abuzz about Dick's Sporting Goods Chairman and CEO Edward Stack's announcement that his stores would never ever carry the assault weapon known as the AR-15. That's right: Never ever again.
And that's fine. Except your Citizen Journalist shall explain to you what Stack really meant. See, just as I've written in the past about certain celebrities (Snoop, Marshal, and that Proudly Brown girl, amongst others) saying things designed to get the MSM to plaster their name, likeness, and current album across the country, globe, and Internet at no charge to the celebrity, Eddie was happy to save money on advertising and marketing, too. It is my belief that he would like to have said the following, but since Eddie is not an idiot, he did not.
Here is what Eddie Stack did not say:
"Like all businesses, Dick's has been suffering long-term under the heavy legislative burdens foisted upon us by the P-HWPCDLRSFC* in office as well as their puppet masters The Deep State bureaucrats. That means profits are down, shareholders are unhappy, and we had to find a way to slash costs that will help us expand.
During the Sandy Hook event, when we temporarily banned AR-15s from our stores, we found it brought us massive public goodwill. Further, the MSM continued to interview us in prime time slots for days and days, thereby slashing millions off of our advertising expenditures.
"That budget-friendly lesson was remembered and within mere hours after the recent school shooting in Florida, we decided to deploy the strategy again but with an even stronger statement. We say that our ban of sales of the AR-15 this time will be forever and ever. To AR-15s we say 'Never again.'
"Frankly, we are not unhappy the AR-15 was used by the misguided young man in Florida because the AR-15 is not a huge seller. This will free up shelf space for faster moving product.
"We're not sure what we will ban from our stores the next time a school shooting happens. However, we are confident that the P-HWPCDLRSFCs in office as well as their puppet masters The Deep State bureaucrats know what is best for all citizens and Dick's will willingly fall in line with The Deep State and fully support any next measures to control access to weapons of any sort. We have been assured that government bailouts for our company could be in the offing.
"However, we would prefer not to have to rely on government bailouts, therefore and further we now ask all current students, recently graduated students, and anyone who used to be a student with plans to shoot up a school, daycare, workplace, town square, movie theater, gay nightclub, any other type of nightclub, post office, concert venue, city park, sporting event, place of worship, or any other place people may congregate, to pretty please not purchase a gun of any sort in our store.
Here is Angela having fun shooting.
* P-HWPCDLRSFC is Pussy-Hat Wearing Politically Correct Democrat Liberal RINO Socialist Fascist Commies
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