If I self-identify as a Female Native-American Caribbean-African Disabled Male Machinist Righty-Tighty-Lefty-Loosey Author, will my books sell faster?

by Angela K. Durden
Technology inventor protecting creator's copyrights. Business writer, novelist, songwriter, and Citizen Journalist.


Book Marketing 101: If you want to sell books, you got to have a platform. Sometimes that involves murder. If you don't want to kill somebody, then you have to find another way to get that platform upon which marketing campaigns are built.

Here are the problems with my marketing platform. I am not, are no longer, or have never:

1. Been 20 years old and —
2. Posed nude (except when I was three-weeks old but that doesn't count)
3. Taken nude pictures of others (don't ask what I've taken of myself)
4. Robbed a bank and used the money to pay for cancer treatments
5. An atheist who...what do atheists do?
6. Killed anybody or covered up a crime
7. Been a meth/pot/crack head who came back and founded a multi-million dollar empire
8. Married a gangster or other public personality
9. Divorced a gangster or other public personality
10. Had an affair with a married gangster or other public personality or his wife
11. Had my life threatened by a gangster or other public personality or his wife
12. Lived out of my car and then gone on to found a multi-billion dollar empire

The list could go on, but you get the gist. I simply blend in with all the other law-abiding folks who calmly and quietly go about their lives. 

However, I've come up with a marketing plan. Let me know if you think it will work:

If I self-identify as a Female Native-American Caribbean-African Disabled Male HB1/2 Machinist Righty-Tighty-Lefty-Loosey Author, will my books sell faster? 

More importantly, will agents and publishers vie over my unpublished manuscripts with exclamations of "Wow! Does she ever have a great platform!" (Two exclamation points on purpose in that sentence because that is how much enthusiasm they will have for me.)

You think I jest? I do not. I am quite serious and I thank you for giving me your opinion on this matter. These links below are real stories. I can't make this stuff up. Lots of other people are doing outrageous things as they self-identify.

OMGee! Look at all the free column inches these people get in newspapers. That's money straight to the bottom line if they're selling something. 

Man marries computer in New Mexico. Alabama does not recognize the marriage. Man sues.

White woman, Rachel Dolezal, self-identifies as black and will not apologize.

All-woman Spelman College will admit men who self-identify as women.

To get a job, Elizabeth Warren claims to be Native American.

Ryerson University made a policy change to create a more inclusionary environment for students. That's right. You don't have to self-identify as anything.

To get greater diversity on the provincial bench, Ontario is making changes to its judicial applications. Please, oh, please, self-identify as something we can count, even disabled. 

And Regnery, the nation's premier publisher of conservative books, will no longer allow authors to self-identify with the New York Times best-seller list seeing as how the NYT is such a manipulator and very left-leaning anyway.

Whoa. Now that's an idea I could steal: Self-identify as a BEST SELLER from the git-go.