Facebook's newest secret app: Time Travel Portal

by Angela K. Durden
Technology inventor protecting creator's copyrights. Business writer, novelist, songwriter, and Citizen Journalist.


For several years now the giant of social engineering called Facebook has regularly let my followers and friends know where I am. They've done it without my permission, too. Not that I'm complaining, mind.

Of course Fake...errrrr...I mean Facebook are doing just as great a job of it as they are in identifying fake news.

For instance, when I post links to my own columns in this blog to my Facebook timeline, I'm always asked to confirm that it is really me who is posting by typing into a box a cryptic set of randomly generated letters.

Not that Fake...errrr...Facebook identified all the fake news headlines generating massive free publicity about them when it was erroneously reported they shut down the Baby Terminator project.

Did you know that Facebook does not recognize ROTW as legitimate? It's probably because one of their Fake News Identifier vendors has not put their stamp of approval somewhere in a database. This could be because Snopes is busy with infighting and pursestring-controlling lawsuits right now, but I'm just guessing.

Then again, maybe Facebook thinks I'm in the witness protection program or I need to hide from stalkers and they believe — in typical Big Brother fashion — they are being helpful by hiding my actual whereabouts.

This might not be a bad thing except I'm not and I don't.

In any case, for several years Facebook has regularly moved me to Oceanside, California. All of a sudden all my posts show I'm across the continent when just an hour previous I was in Atlanta. Now wonder people think I'm everywhere all the time.

There is no rhyme or reason to it and I haven't been able to figure out what triggers it. Their doing this on my behalf has caused family strife as well. You see, I have a cousin who lives a mere 32 miles away in Capistrano Beach who finally posted one day that she sure did her feelings hurt because I was so close and didn't visit.

She got a good laugh when I explained about witness protection and such, but the other day Facebook topped itself with a secret rollout of their newest app. It is called Time Travel Portal.

You read correctly: Time Travel Portal

So there I am hosting one of the meetups for Atlanta Songwriters Club at Red Light Café in Midtown Atlanta. After getting the requisite photos to share with those who could not attend, I went to post these to our Facebook page and that is when I found out I had been to China and back in less than four hours.

Not only that, but the entire Red Light Café itself, forty attendees and the owners, sponsors and friends, the kitchen and bathrooms, fans and artwork, seating and tables, sound and lighting system, as well as instruments and my wine were transported as if we were all in a giant time portal machine. 

I've got photographic proof from screenshots I took. Look at it if you dare. Here is the photo album of the event to prove others went, too. Look closely at the backward writing on the banner behind us. Look, I say, look! More proof we were on the other side of the world. 

Photographic proof that Facebook sent the building and all the people in it to China.

See? You won't find any fake news here on ROTW.

Instead, you learned it here first, folks. Citizen Journalist at your service.

Now it's time to go out and buy some of that Facebook stock because this Time Travel Portal app is going to take over the world. You might as well sell all your stocks in all airlines including Virgin, bus and taxi services, Uber and Lyft, and UPS and FedEx.*

The day you are reading this I will be driving from Nashville in that great State of Tennessee to Blue Ridge, Georgia. Why am I driving, you ask? 

Because thus far, Facebook's newest secret app, Time Travel Portal (internal working name is That Thing That Makes Us Go, or T3) is not yet available because it is still secret, deployed as they deploy all their apps, that is to say, when they dang well feel like it and not when their stupid users need it. 

Notice to #CrunkNewsNetwork and other MSM ilk:

I know you are trolling me for real news tips in order to make yourself look more legitimate and save your reputation, but you just need to go on out and find your own news. I shall not divulge my sources for this story. Nananabooboo to you #CrunkNewsNetwork. 

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Angela K. Durden is not a licensed stockbroker though she does have a driver's license and a conceal carry permit, both issued by the great State of Georgia in the United States. Angela K. Durden neither endorses Facebook, nor any airline including Virgin, nor any bus or taxi service except for Donnie who drives a legally licensed taxi, nor those Uber creeps or Lyft, but she does endorse UPS as they are just totally awesome and FedEx does a mighty fine job, too. By reading this column, or just clicking on the link to it, you agree that Angela K. Durden has not officially told you to buy or sell any stock and that if you proceed to do so you will hold harmless Angela K. Durden, her children, and ROTW (though you may sue her ex-husband if you can get any money out of his penny-pinching fingers...never mind; she digresses) and you acknowledge that you have enough brains to make your own financial decisions and do not need to rely for your stock tips on a columnist who likes to occasionally write humorous content.