Eclipse Sales Pitch: Wham! Bam! Thank you, Ma'am! Or Why #CrunkNewsNetwork is still in business.

by Angela K. Durden
Technology inventor protecting creator's copyrights. Business writer, novelist, songwriter, and Citizen Journalist.


My friend R—, like most men, will use every opportunity to "gitsum" iffenyaknowwhuttamean. Just like soldiers going off to war have for all time been able to "gitsum" by using the threat of imminent death which includes them not returning alive, my friend R—  has used today's solar eclipse to get inside the panties of some ladies.

That is, he has sent out the offer. I have helpfully included a screenshot for you at left. Notice the second respondent below who "kinda don't wanna be alone for it" which, to my mind at least, means she's all for R— sharing some sausage. But otherwise, the sentiment was crude, quick, and pretty much was made fun of by the other respondents. {See left.}

So I replied to R—: 

You forgot the lead up to it. Man, it's clear you are not in sales. Okay...your sales pitch should've gone like this and sent via private message so you don't look like the horn-dog that the above message made it seem you are. (Please notice I said "seem you are" which is called a CYA/Lawsuit-Avoiding weasel phrase as it does not come right out and say "you are" a horn-dog.) Here is your script: 

"Baby, it has been widely reported on CNN and other news outlets that do NOT have fake news and who can be completely relied upon to keep us all accurately up to date on anything that will affect our lives with a negative effect, that the world is ending as soon as the eclipse is over and that most, if not all, people will die. I would like my last thoughts to be of you before the big death is thrust upon us."

See, R—? You will get more and better responses.

It didn't take long for him to message me that his post was all in fun. I messaged back that I knew that and asked if he didn't get the humor in my reply.

He replied back, and I'm not kidding you,

Direct quote from R—: "I didn't read all through much to long."

First of all, I'm not even going to mention the implications to his ability to satisfy a woman in bed that his eight-word misspelled and no punctuated sentence implies as to his attention to detail needed in that arena. So, I won't even mention it here. 

But I mean, really, guys, can you imagine if a woman said that to you? "Well, you know, it's just much too long." Would you like it, huh? I don't think so. 

Size matters.  

That is why R— is not a salesman in these matters. I'm sure R— will either unfriend me or agonize for days over that message because, unlike readers of ROTW, he does not yet understand long-form humor. I bet he also honks exactly 0.0001 seconds after the light turns green. 

Oh, R—, R— R—! The ladies had such high expectations from you and you done dashed them to the ground and trampled them. 

R— has yet to respond to my obviously humorous and not bitter in the least reply implying that women don't like to be left hanging: