Monday, October 2, 2017

HDMDSC: My Creep Detector Deflector

by Angela K. Durden
Technology inventor protecting creator's copyrights. Business writer, novelist, songwriter, and Citizen Journalist.

When I need to determine if a person is as much of a creep as they are leading me to believe, I often deploy a shibboleth I have named Heavily Drawled and Mispronounced Deep South Colloquialisms, or HDMDSC.

After a bullet through the brain or heart — my most favorite and yet least deployed method — HDMDSC is the fastest way to remove social roaches as ever I've ever found. It is instantaneous and has the added benefit of avoiding an expensive trial and much prison time. 

HDMDSC also has a second and just as important role: It identifies friendlies. 

I am not alone in doing this, though I am the only one who has named it. Yes, my brilliance at coming up with acronyms has been astounding you for months now. I will give you a moment to collect yourself and return your attention to my carefully chosen words that I've written for you, big boy, all for you...wait, wait, wait...sorry...I was letting loose my inner-Barbra Streisand there for a minute. I'm back with you now.

Back to the topic: I am not alone in deploying HDMDSC. I know a writer here in the Deep South by the name of Hollis Gillespie. You may have seen us on The Tonight Show together. We killed 'em! Johnny invited us over to the desk and everything. Okay, I'm lying. I was never on The Tonight Show. Let me be clear: I watched it, but I was never on it, though I did not know until this morning that Hollis had ever been on that show. 

Hollis is so famous she has a cartoon of herself.
***See footnote.
How did I find out Hollis was on The Tonight Show? I found this out because I, as your Citizen Journalist, did a deep-dive research that began and ended with typing her name into a search bar and clicking on the first site with her name. It was exhausting. You see how hard I work for you?

A fancy Nueva Yawk magazine's editorial board began hearing her name bandied about at their cocktail parties. An executive from that board decided it had been so long since they had a writer from the Deep South write for their magazine that they were being accused of not being inclusive enough, so of course, naturally, they simply must get Hollis to write for them.

Hollis made the deal and wrote a brilliant piece. Why, it was so brilliant that it immediately became a HDMDSC social roach finder. Yes, I know...roaches and Nueva Yawk pretty much is a redundant statement in some circles.

Deeply resenting her task, the tight-skirt-wearing-daggered-and-painted-nails underling assigned liaison duty with the writer from the Deep South scanned Hollis' word-count-perfect article and said —

"This is not our style."

This conversation happened on the phone long before there was Skype or Google Hangout because the unmistakable expression on Hollis' face would've been sure to cause the underling's panties to get in a twist. Yes, ladies and germs, Hollis' expression said "You ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, now are ya? Bless your little ol' heart."

Translated into Manhattan Speak is, "Sooooo...what year did you graduate and from which of the seven sisters was that?"

But never one to allow manners to get in the way when a witty riposte will cut through the crap, Hollis said, "Exactly. That's what I do. I don't write like your magazine. That's why you are hiring me for this."

Underling's panties got in a twist and...well, suffice it to say Hollis rewrote it in their style (hey, money is money). It sucked and she never wrote for them again.

Not that they ever asked. (But a contract is a contract.) See?

HDMDSC deployed. Problem solved.  

***FOOTNOTE: Your Citizen Journalist is also so famous, she too has a cartoon of herself. So there! Take that, Hollis. That's what you get when you don't invite me onto The Tonight Show with ya. 

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