Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Crunk News Network: Delivering Jihad Justice 24/7

by Angela K. Durden

Last week a young fellow put together a meme of Donald "The Hammer" Trump from his old WWE days and made it currently socially relevant (and absolutely entertaining) by pasting a CNN logo in it, only to have "President Hammer" add sound and retweet the thing. 

Can you say "Go Viral!" five times real fast? The young man could and found that a reason to celebrate. Until...

Until, that is, CNN — or Crunk News Network* — went after the boy with all barrels blazing:

#CNNBlackmail — What creeps. What bullies. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Crunk News Network — who's proposed new taglines are Delivering Jihad Justice 24/7 or Do What We Say or Else You're Going to Get It* — themselves put the smackdown on one Citizen Journalist — who used the time-honored method of social commentary called "humor" — going full Charlie-Hebdo on the young man.

Crunk News Network knows what that attack style looks like seeing as how in 2015 the network did a full timeline report on Justice Delivered Jihad Style. (You can see that here.)

CNN should be absolutely ashamed. But they aren't.
CNN should apologize to him and to all citizens. But they won't.

They are proud of what they did to this young man and, by extension, to all citizens of the world. Yes, the world. Because freedom of expression, free speech, the right to speak freely, has just been trampled on again.

That CNN stomped on rights so publicly shows they've got the big head and that they're so scared of the power of Citizen Journalists they're wetting their pants. 

*Crunk News Network's committees and their advertising agencies — both full of movers and shakers and important and very smart people — are studying polling data from focus groups to determine which tagline will work best with their core demographic, that is to say, Socialists. 

So far the taglines' popularity ratings are in a dead heat. Internal memos from anonymous sources within the network say the solution will be revolutionary: Crunk News Network is thinking of using both taglines, rotating their usage in 24-hour cycles. 

Another source supplied a sneak peek at one tagline's artwork but refused to speak on the record, that is to say they remain an unknown but highly trustworthy source, and said, "They would simply kill me if they knew I was the one who stole their roll out thunder, so please don't tell them my name.** Anyway, the ad agency felt the network should pay homage to all those who came before them. As you can see, they have done that in this logo. Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge. Hitler and the SS. ISIS and Jihadi Jane. What's not to love?"

** We reserve the right to publish our source's identity if she/he/it changes her/his/its mind. 

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